This was transcribed by ME from a slightly echo-y video. I’d say it’s 99.95% accurate. I apologize for any typos.

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Class of ’09, just a quick question: How many of you guys are hung over this morning? (Just wanted to know who I’m talking to…)

Before I get started, I think it’s important to point out that the commencement speaker for the 2009 graduating class of Notre Dame is the President of the United States. YOU got a deeply-neurotic, twice-divorced sitcom writer with chronic bronchitis; proving that you DO get what you pay for. Of course, you won’t be leaving here with two hundred thousand dollars in college loans, so you have that going for you.

Is anyone here Twittering, texting, or blogging this thing? It’s okay if you are, I just ask that you describe me as a surprisingly youthful-looking 56 year-old man. Maybe you can create an emoticon for that–I’m thinking a smiley face with prostate problems.

Alright…my commencement speech! Thirty-seven years ago I dropped out of SUNY Potsdam and packed a ’66 Mustang with all my worldly belongings. Those belongings included one cardboard box filled with my clothing, one Panasonic AM/FM stereo and turntable, one record collection, one Fender Stratocaster, one Fender twin reverb amp, and a boomerang wah-wah pedal. Once packed, I took a deep breath and started driving to Los Angeles with four hundred dollars in my pocket and the dream of being a rock star in my head. I sincerely hope that none of you here today are that stupid.

Regardless, I’m BACK; and I have to tell you it’s a strange, strange feeling; like revisiting the scene of a crime, the crime being that I learned NOTHING here! I’m not going to sugar coat it: for me, Potsdam was two years wasted; with the emphasis on “wasted.” Now you might ask yourself (and I’m sure the faculty and your parents are asking themselves), “If that’s the case, then what is this Hollywood knucklehead doing giving a commencement speech?” I’ve asked myself the same question, and I think I might have an answer that will put your mind at ease.

Everything I’ve learned since I left Potsdam I’ve had to learn the hard way. The honorary degree I’ve received today is called a “Doctorate of Humane Letters.” But more accurately, it should be called a “Doctorate of Stumbling-Through-Life-With Your-Head-Firmly-Up-Your-Ass-and-Somehow-Winding-Up-Looking-Pretty-Good Letters.” So what have I learned that might be of some use to you as you go out into the world? Well let me start with gentlemen: fellas, I would advise you NOT to fall in love with an actress. I don’t care how pretty and vivacious she may be, your long-term survival depends on your ability to run the other way. For the ladies: under no circumstances should you allow yourself to fall in love with a rock guitarist. It doesn’t matter how dark and tortured he is, the advice is the same: run for your life!

While we’re on the subject of Love, here’s a tip for both men and women: If, in the course of your dating, you meet that special someone and one night during a romantic candle-lit dinner they look into your eyes, smile warmly, and tell you they love you and want you to be happy and that the only way to assure your happiness is through Scientology, well…you see where I’m going. Run! Run like the wind!

On a related topic I need you to know there is no such thing as “casual” or “free” sex. All sex has a price attached. Sometimes the price is grief or guilt, anger, shame, cold sores… Sometimes the price is your house. But know this going forward: it’s NEVER “free”!

Now (that covers romance)…let’s talk about adversaries, enemies–people who consciously block your progress, who tell you that you cannot achieve your dreams. Could be your parents, you don’t know. Those are the people you must truly love and cherish. For…utilized properly, the bastards of this world are the ones who will most assure your ultimate success. Let me give you an example that’s very near to my heart. When I was a student here, I had a creative writing professor who told me rather bluntly that I did not have what it takes to be a writer; mainly something about my grammar or spelling. I don’t know what happened to him, I don’t even remember his name. But I vividly remember that conversation in 1972, and I thank God for it and I thank God for him. Because I spent the next thirty years trying to prove that old dickhead wrong! [To interpreter: can you say “dickhead” in sign language?] Wrong! r-o-n-g, rong!

So you follow that? It’s wonderful to have people in your life who tell you you’re brilliant and talented. Could be your parents, we don’t know. But so what? Do you really think you’re going to spend the next thirty years proving them RIGHT? Noo… The thing that you need to understand is that this universe seems designed to put people in our path who are exactly what we need to move us forward, and sometimes those people are assholes. There’s an inner voice, too, that you have to deal with. The voice in your head that says you’re not smart enough, you’re not cute enough, funny enough, talented enough, thin enough; the voice that pretends to be you but is NOT. (It might be the voice of your parents again…) It doesn’t matter. All that you need to know is that you must calmly thank that voice for once again pointing out what a loser you are and then carry on with your business. That’s it. That’s all you can do. You can’t make the voice go away or suppress it. That’s not entirely true–you CAN, that’s why God made alcohol. Of course, if you do fall into the habit of quieting that voice with alcohol you will eventually end up in a church basement drinking stale coffee and telling strangers how you ruined your marriage, lost your job, and have to wear an ankle bracelet equipped with lojack. And, of course, at that point the voice is right and you are a loser.

Now, class of ’09: You’re leaving here today venturing into a world filled with authority figures. These figures will, in all likelihood, be older than you; they will be wearing suits and ties or a female equivalent; and they will speak in … gravitas, confidence, and strength. All of which might lead you to believe that they are smart; or, at least, smarter than you. Wrong! R-o-n-g! The truth is there are very few people in this world who are smarter than you. But there are a lot of people, often in positions of authority and wearing nice suits, who have something you don’t; and that’s experience. And experience, in my experience, is more important than intelligence. In fact, I’m living proof! On Two and-a-Half Men and The Big Bang Theory I’m surrounded by people who are smarter than me. To be perfectly honest, there are times it pisses me off! But what I’ve come to realize is that I’ve been writing television for over twenty years and my experience has value. It’s the commodity I’m paid for. Of course I still like to carry myself as if I’m smart so I can con people like you into thinking so. But that doesn’t change the fact that “smart”, while being a wonderful attribute, doesn’t, by itself, get the job done. Experience, on the other hand, can kick Smart’s ass. Experience is not fairy dust sprinkled over your head when you’re born, experience is something you gain. ANYBODY can gain it! My advice to you, class of ’09, is go start gaining it. When possible, learn from people who have it and don’t themselves confuse it with intelligence. And remember that mistakes and failure–sometimes humiliating and soul-crushing oh-God-just-kill-me-and-get-it-over-with FAILURE–is how you get experience! But it’s worth it. Because one day you’ll realize your hard-won experience has value. And when the class of 2029 comes to work for you you can parade around in your fancy, futuristic clothes and try and convince them you’re smart.

A quick word about current events…the world as it is now: People will tell you we’re facing a challenging and difficult time, that YOU are facing a challenging and difficult time. Nonsense! This couldn’t be better for you. Our country is presently bogged down in two endless, Orwellian wars with dudes who think they can get laid after we kill them! Overpopulation and lack of health care has created antibiotic-resistant diseases that are so frightening they make tongue kissing someone with swine flu seem like going to Disney World. Our economy is so ruined, we’re having to bail out major banks , Wall Street firms, the auto industry, and global insurance companies. That is NOT a recession. It’s, in the words of R.E.M., the end of the world as we know it. But wait, there’s more! The only thing disappearing faster than decent-paying jobs is the rain forest, the north pole, and pubic hair. And, lest we forget, you won’t be getting your parents’ jobs because when their pension funds and 401k is all blown to hell they’ll be working well past senility in adult diapers. Don’t laugh…you’ll be changing the diapers!

So you might ask how is this good for you. (I’m glad you asked.) It’s good for you because inside every crisis is an opportunity. Or, as I once heard it put, “there are more promotions in an army at war than an army at peace.” I don’t want to make this a political speech, but it’s unlikely that had our economy and foreign affairs been better managed over the last eight years, that a young black guy with precious little experience and a scary-sounding Islamic name would have been elected president of a country that still isn’t entirely convinced about evolution. He needed a crisis.

So…let’s take a moment and consider what the opportunities might be for the class of ’09. Off the top of my head, you might consider going to Mexico to open a chain of stores selling surgical masks. Opportunities. They’re all over the place. Look for them! They’re there. This is a great time to come out of college!

I’m going to wrap this up now…I think I’ve gone too long. I have one more thing I want to share with you, and I’ve saved it for last because I believe it’s the actual operating principle of the entire universe and I wanted to end strong. Here it is: If you want to GET something in this world, you must give something. I’m going to say it again: to GET something, you must GIVE something! Let’s take money, for example. If you can figure out a way to make someone else a lot of money, there is no doubt that you will make a lot of money. They might steal it from you, but the rule still applies. Similarly, if you can create a product that provides a service that makes people happy, they will give you money. If your service makes them VERY happy and you’re providing it through craigslist, please remember to use a condom.

Okay, that’s the secret of money. Let’s talk about something more spiritual, like attaining a sense of well-being and peace of mind. I’m not going to lie to you: having a lot of money helps with that! But until that occurs, I guarantee that if you honestly work towards the well-being and peace of mind of your friends, family, and co-workers–or people who are complete strangers to you, for that matter–your well-being and peace of mind will be taken care of. And please understand I’m not saying this to be inspirational. I didn’t come from Los Angeles to be inspirational! I’m saying it because I’ve seen it work. My career in TV did not happen because I loved sitcoms. Come on, we all know that sitcoms mostly suck. My career took off because more than anything, I wanted to provide for my children and get them a decent health plan. That’s how I did it. So there it is: honestly GIVE, and you will receive. Just be careful not to abuse this principle by becoming some sort of pathological people pleaser. That’s not honestly giving, that’s just a sneaky way of controlling people because you’re afraid they’ll leave you. And if they’re actresses or rock guitarists, they’re going to leave you anyway.

And finally, let’s talk about Love. How do you get Love in this world? First of all it’s important to understand…[looks toward the sky as the sun has just peeked through the clouds and says, “that’s a nice touch for Love–sun!”] Love is not some sort of radiation. When someone loves you, you can’t feel it like Bruce Banner feeling gamma rays turning him into the incredible Hulk. There’s only one way to feel Love; you must love someone or something other than yourself. In other words, the Beatles nailed it fifty years ago when they sang, “the love you take is equal to the love you make.” I go a step further and say the Love you take IS the Love you make! I’m looking at you and I’m thinking you’re not entirely convinced, so let’s put this to a test. When I finish my speech, if you would be so kind as to cheer wildly, to stand up and feel love and admiration for me, I’m positive that not only will YOU feel great, I’ll feel even better!

So to president Schwaller, Provost Madden, vice-president Templeton-Cornell, and the incredible people here at SUNY Potsdam, my deepest thanks for inviting me here to speak [and] honoring me with this degree. To the graduates of ’09, I wish you good luck and a good life. Go out and bring people love and happiness, and I PROMISE that you will get the same!

(Okay…I’m done. Go crazy!!!)