This came to me today via email. It made me literally “LOL”, so I’m passing it on:
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You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down; and that’s when you remember…
You’ve been listening to your iPod.
—–
This was transcribed by ME from a slightly echo-y video. I’d say it’s 99.95% accurate. I apologize for any typos.
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Class of ’09, just a quick question: How many of you guys are hung over this morning? (Just wanted to know who I’m talking to…)
Before I get started, I think it’s important to point out that the commencement speaker for the 2009 graduating class of Notre Dame is the President of the United States. YOU got a deeply-neurotic, twice-divorced sitcom writer with chronic bronchitis; proving that you DO get what you pay for. Of course, you won’t be leaving here with two hundred thousand dollars in college loans, so you have that going for you.
Is anyone here Twittering, texting, or blogging this thing? It’s okay if you are, I just ask that you describe me as a surprisingly youthful-looking 56 year-old man. Maybe you can create an emoticon for that–I’m thinking a smiley face with prostate problems.
Alright…my commencement speech! Thirty-seven years ago I dropped out of SUNY Potsdam and packed a ’66 Mustang with all my worldly belongings. Those belongings included one cardboard box filled with my clothing, one Panasonic AM/FM stereo and turntable, one record collection, one Fender Stratocaster, one Fender twin reverb amp, and a boomerang wah-wah pedal. Once packed, I took a deep breath and started driving to Los Angeles with four hundred dollars in my pocket and the dream of being a rock star in my head. I sincerely hope that none of you here today are that stupid.
Regardless, I’m BACK; and I have to tell you it’s a strange, strange feeling; like revisiting the scene of a crime, the crime being that I learned NOTHING here! I’m not going to sugar coat it: for me, Potsdam was two years wasted; with the emphasis on “wasted.” Now you might ask yourself (and I’m sure the faculty and your parents are asking themselves), “If that’s the case, then what is this Hollywood knucklehead doing giving a commencement speech?” I’ve asked myself the same question, and I think I might have an answer that will put your mind at ease.
Everything I’ve learned since I left Potsdam I’ve had to learn the hard way. The honorary degree I’ve received today is called a “Doctorate of Humane Letters.” But more accurately, it should be called a “Doctorate of Stumbling-Through-Life-With Your-Head-Firmly-Up-Your-Ass-and-Somehow-Winding-Up-Looking-Pretty-Good Letters.” So what have I learned that might be of some use to you as you go out into the world? Well let me start with gentlemen: fellas, I would advise you NOT to fall in love with an actress. I don’t care how pretty and vivacious she may be, your long-term survival depends on your ability to run the other way. For the ladies: under no circumstances should you allow yourself to fall in love with a rock guitarist. It doesn’t matter how dark and tortured he is, the advice is the same: run for your life!
While we’re on the subject of Love, here’s a tip for both men and women: If, in the course of your dating, you meet that special someone and one night during a romantic candle-lit dinner they look into your eyes, smile warmly, and tell you they love you and want you to be happy and that the only way to assure your happiness is through Scientology, well…you see where I’m going. Run! Run like the wind!
On a related topic I need you to know there is no such thing as “casual” or “free” sex. All sex has a price attached. Sometimes the price is grief or guilt, anger, shame, cold sores… Sometimes the price is your house. But know this going forward: it’s NEVER “free”!
Now (that covers romance)…let’s talk about adversaries, enemies–people who consciously block your progress, who tell you that you cannot achieve your dreams. Could be your parents, you don’t know. Those are the people you must truly love and cherish. For…utilized properly, the bastards of this world are the ones who will most assure your ultimate success. Let me give you an example that’s very near to my heart. When I was a student here, I had a creative writing professor who told me rather bluntly that I did not have what it takes to be a writer; mainly something about my grammar or spelling. I don’t know what happened to him, I don’t even remember his name. But I vividly remember that conversation in 1972, and I thank God for it and I thank God for him. Because I spent the next thirty years trying to prove that old dickhead wrong! [To interpreter: can you say “dickhead” in sign language?] Wrong! r-o-n-g, rong!
So you follow that? It’s wonderful to have people in your life who tell you you’re brilliant and talented. Could be your parents, we don’t know. But so what? Do you really think you’re going to spend the next thirty years proving them RIGHT? Noo… The thing that you need to understand is that this universe seems designed to put people in our path who are exactly what we need to move us forward, and sometimes those people are assholes. There’s an inner voice, too, that you have to deal with. The voice in your head that says you’re not smart enough, you’re not cute enough, funny enough, talented enough, thin enough; the voice that pretends to be you but is NOT. (It might be the voice of your parents again…) It doesn’t matter. All that you need to know is that you must calmly thank that voice for once again pointing out what a loser you are and then carry on with your business. That’s it. That’s all you can do. You can’t make the voice go away or suppress it. That’s not entirely true–you CAN, that’s why God made alcohol. Of course, if you do fall into the habit of quieting that voice with alcohol you will eventually end up in a church basement drinking stale coffee and telling strangers how you ruined your marriage, lost your job, and have to wear an ankle bracelet equipped with lojack. And, of course, at that point the voice is right and you are a loser.
Now, class of ’09: You’re leaving here today venturing into a world filled with authority figures. These figures will, in all likelihood, be older than you; they will be wearing suits and ties or a female equivalent; and they will speak in … gravitas, confidence, and strength. All of which might lead you to believe that they are smart; or, at least, smarter than you. Wrong! R-o-n-g! The truth is there are very few people in this world who are smarter than you. But there are a lot of people, often in positions of authority and wearing nice suits, who have something you don’t; and that’s experience. And experience, in my experience, is more important than intelligence. In fact, I’m living proof! On Two and-a-Half Men and The Big Bang Theory I’m surrounded by people who are smarter than me. To be perfectly honest, there are times it pisses me off! But what I’ve come to realize is that I’ve been writing television for over twenty years and my experience has value. It’s the commodity I’m paid for. Of course I still like to carry myself as if I’m smart so I can con people like you into thinking so. But that doesn’t change the fact that “smart”, while being a wonderful attribute, doesn’t, by itself, get the job done. Experience, on the other hand, can kick Smart’s ass. Experience is not fairy dust sprinkled over your head when you’re born, experience is something you gain. ANYBODY can gain it! My advice to you, class of ’09, is go start gaining it. When possible, learn from people who have it and don’t themselves confuse it with intelligence. And remember that mistakes and failure–sometimes humiliating and soul-crushing oh-God-just-kill-me-and-get-it-over-with FAILURE–is how you get experience! But it’s worth it. Because one day you’ll realize your hard-won experience has value. And when the class of 2029 comes to work for you you can parade around in your fancy, futuristic clothes and try and convince them you’re smart.
A quick word about current events…the world as it is now: People will tell you we’re facing a challenging and difficult time, that YOU are facing a challenging and difficult time. Nonsense! This couldn’t be better for you. Our country is presently bogged down in two endless, Orwellian wars with dudes who think they can get laid after we kill them! Overpopulation and lack of health care has created antibiotic-resistant diseases that are so frightening they make tongue kissing someone with swine flu seem like going to Disney World. Our economy is so ruined, we’re having to bail out major banks , Wall Street firms, the auto industry, and global insurance companies. That is NOT a recession. It’s, in the words of R.E.M., the end of the world as we know it. But wait, there’s more! The only thing disappearing faster than decent-paying jobs is the rain forest, the north pole, and pubic hair. And, lest we forget, you won’t be getting your parents’ jobs because when their pension funds and 401k is all blown to hell they’ll be working well past senility in adult diapers. Don’t laugh…you’ll be changing the diapers!
So you might ask how is this good for you. (I’m glad you asked.) It’s good for you because inside every crisis is an opportunity. Or, as I once heard it put, “there are more promotions in an army at war than an army at peace.” I don’t want to make this a political speech, but it’s unlikely that had our economy and foreign affairs been better managed over the last eight years, that a young black guy with precious little experience and a scary-sounding Islamic name would have been elected president of a country that still isn’t entirely convinced about evolution. He needed a crisis.
So…let’s take a moment and consider what the opportunities might be for the class of ’09. Off the top of my head, you might consider going to Mexico to open a chain of stores selling surgical masks. Opportunities. They’re all over the place. Look for them! They’re there. This is a great time to come out of college!
I’m going to wrap this up now…I think I’ve gone too long. I have one more thing I want to share with you, and I’ve saved it for last because I believe it’s the actual operating principle of the entire universe and I wanted to end strong. Here it is: If you want to GET something in this world, you must give something. I’m going to say it again: to GET something, you must GIVE something! Let’s take money, for example. If you can figure out a way to make someone else a lot of money, there is no doubt that you will make a lot of money. They might steal it from you, but the rule still applies. Similarly, if you can create a product that provides a service that makes people happy, they will give you money. If your service makes them VERY happy and you’re providing it through craigslist, please remember to use a condom.
Okay, that’s the secret of money. Let’s talk about something more spiritual, like attaining a sense of well-being and peace of mind. I’m not going to lie to you: having a lot of money helps with that! But until that occurs, I guarantee that if you honestly work towards the well-being and peace of mind of your friends, family, and co-workers–or people who are complete strangers to you, for that matter–your well-being and peace of mind will be taken care of. And please understand I’m not saying this to be inspirational. I didn’t come from Los Angeles to be inspirational! I’m saying it because I’ve seen it work. My career in TV did not happen because I loved sitcoms. Come on, we all know that sitcoms mostly suck. My career took off because more than anything, I wanted to provide for my children and get them a decent health plan. That’s how I did it. So there it is: honestly GIVE, and you will receive. Just be careful not to abuse this principle by becoming some sort of pathological people pleaser. That’s not honestly giving, that’s just a sneaky way of controlling people because you’re afraid they’ll leave you. And if they’re actresses or rock guitarists, they’re going to leave you anyway.
And finally, let’s talk about Love. How do you get Love in this world? First of all it’s important to understand…[looks toward the sky as the sun has just peeked through the clouds and says, “that’s a nice touch for Love–sun!”] Love is not some sort of radiation. When someone loves you, you can’t feel it like Bruce Banner feeling gamma rays turning him into the incredible Hulk. There’s only one way to feel Love; you must love someone or something other than yourself. In other words, the Beatles nailed it fifty years ago when they sang, “the love you take is equal to the love you make.” I go a step further and say the Love you take IS the Love you make! I’m looking at you and I’m thinking you’re not entirely convinced, so let’s put this to a test. When I finish my speech, if you would be so kind as to cheer wildly, to stand up and feel love and admiration for me, I’m positive that not only will YOU feel great, I’ll feel even better!
So to president Schwaller, Provost Madden, vice-president Templeton-Cornell, and the incredible people here at SUNY Potsdam, my deepest thanks for inviting me here to speak [and] honoring me with this degree. To the graduates of ’09, I wish you good luck and a good life. Go out and bring people love and happiness, and I PROMISE that you will get the same!
(Okay…I’m done. Go crazy!!!)
Hi there.
Riley, our Family Dog, is very sick. In the past few weeks she has had an anaphylactic shock to a likely bee sting, been diagnosed with canine Cushing’s disease, had a large abscess on the side of her head drained, and–as of today–been diagnosed with lymphoma. Her lymph glands all over her body are incredibly swollen. Normally the size of peas or smaller, the vet was demonstrating to me that some are the size of golf balls. I was at the vet because Riley hadn’t eaten all weekend and I thought she might have an infection from having the abscess drained. However, the lymph glands told a different tale.
Dr. Palermo gave us two options: 1) Chemotherapy and 2) a corticosteroid. Chemotherapy is an awful lot to put a dog Riley’s age through and Jeannie, Brady, Amanda, Darren, and I all agree that the corticosteroid is the best way to go. What this will do is reduce the inflammation of the lymph nodes, giving Riley a few weeks of relatively normal existence in which we can spend some last hours with her and let everyone say their goodbyes. Once the steroid wears off and her nodes begin to swell again, Jeannie and I will schedule an appointment with Dr. Palermo and say our final goodbyes to the best dog any family anywhere could have asked for.
I’ll be monitoring her very closely for the next couple of days to make sure her appetite returns. (She hasn’t been eating because of pressure being put on her chest and throat by the swollen nodes.) We’re obviously sad about this, but we agree that it’s best she not suffer. She has had a long and happy Life and we will let her go with dignity and minimal suffering.
Romeyn
For many, many years before the advent of the World Wide Web I would struggle with lyrics to certain songs. There are some passages that just don’t seem to make sense, and you can’t make out the words no matter HOW closely you listen. If you’re ever caught singing the song out loud, you just sort of mumble past that line and hope no one notices. Everyone does it, don’t try and tell me you never have, ’cause you’re lying if you do. 🙂
I have found that the trick to “getting” them is to not actually LISTEN. Kind of like learning to fly (a la The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy)–you have to throw yourself at the ground and miss. It’s happened to me many times over the years. I’ll be lost in thought, usually while driving, and <some song> will be on the radio and my subconscious will jerk me back to reality and I’ll scream, “THAT’S what they’re saying!!!”
Anyhow, the whole point here is that “Redondo Beach, LA” is mentioned in “Surfin’ USA” by the Beach Boys. I thought you’d like to know. 🙂
When I was in college I ate subs. LOTS of subs. I always got the same thing: Mayo, mustard, turkey, American cheese, and lettuce. When I would go to the Union snack bar and the person behind the counter would ask me what kind of sub I wanted I would rattle those 5 ingredients off. I quickly learned to stop wasting my breath, as the person invariably suffered from some short-term memory disorder and couldn’t remember 5 simple ingredients for a period of time exceeding 5 seconds. So when asked what kind of sub I wanted I simply replied "mayonnaise" and waited. If I fed them my ingredients one at a time, they seemed able to handle it.
I am continually dismayed and disappointed at just how prevalent this continues to be. Just this morning at Dunkin’ Donuts I walked in and ordered their #2 combo (coffee and a muffin). I very clearly stated, "I would like a #2 combo, EXTRA LARGE, with a banana-walnut muffin, French vanilla coffee with cream and sugar." I even paused and emphasized the "EXTRA LARGE". What’d I get? "Normal". I said to the girl who brought my coffee, "that’s EXTRA large". She brought me back an extra large and then I informed the cashier that she hadn’t charged me enough because I had asked for an extra large.
What the hell is it with these people? It’s like they get one tiny piece of information in their brain and then a WALL goes up and any subsequent pieces fly into it and drop on the floor instead of getting processed. There ought to be red and green lights on their caps or name badges so that we customers know when to stop and start talking and thus avoid frustration.
Tonight was conference registration. Man, these folks have gone ALL OUT! As was true last year, I’m something of a minor celebrity. I’m so active on the LABMGR mailing list that a lot of people know my name. They see me, they point, they say, "I know you!!" We shake hands, and talk about how much I hate SPSS (my most recent post).
The SWAG!!! Wow. Get a load of THIS:
That’s a REALLY NICE canvas shoulder bag, a T-shirt a notebook, some "stress putty", and the card in the lanyard is a "real" plastic card! And a CANVAS BAG!! Wow!
After I registered I went into the Student Union ballroom where there was a Halo 2 LAN party. I was relieved to discover that I was NOT the worst player there.
There were a couple of tours. I took the one of their server farm and "high-tech" facilities (their Helpdesk and ITC equivalents). Some very impressive stuff.
Then it was off to a local sports bar for some food (provided) and drinks (on yourself). I ended up kibbitzing with a guy from SUNY IT. We had just gotten through commiserating about the low level of common sense in most PhDs when a guy from Cleveland–who hadn’t heard our conversation–sits down with us and starts going on about the same thing. "The higher the degree," he philosophized, "the lower the level of common sense!" I spit out my beer, I was laughing so hard. Certainly, there are exceptions to that generalization; but I think it’s true more than it’s not!
Tomorrow the sessions begin! And there are some GOOD ones!
On my way back I decided to "wing it", as I am wont to do when I’m someplace new. The map stays folded and I just drive, relying on my keen sense of direction. I discovered something else that seems to be not unique to the North Country. In many communities, especially larger ones, there is evidence of what USED to be the "center of town" existing in stark contrast to "what’s happening" now. Route 9 north of Plattsburgh is a perfect example of this. The North Country Shopping Center was where it was at until the Interstate went in and drew everyone out route 3 instead. Now route 9 is a ghost town. Mankato seemed generally DEAD to me until tonight. It turns out that the reverse is true here. The main highway–US 169–winds down on the wrong side of the Minnesota River, with "old" downtown on the other side. It turns out that all the "action" in this town is up the hill by the University! And I discovered it quite by accident while trying to find my way back to my hotel (which I did without a map, thankyouverymuch).
Registration for my conference isn’t until this evening, so I had all day to kill. I went to Minneopa State Park and looked at a waterfall and drove through some restored prairie lands. What the guide books DON’T tell you is the mosquitoes are RAVENOUS and NUMEROUS! I’m sure there exists somewhere a place where mosquitoes are more dense, but I haven’t been there yet. It’s not much of an exaggeration to say that if you leave your car and stand still for 30 seconds, you’ll be covered. I didn’t do much standing around!
After that I took a drive south to Blue Earth, site of a monstrous statue of the Jolly Green Giant. I’m not sure WHY I did this. I guess it seemed like a good way to see some of the state. Oh, it’s FLAT. Did I mention that? I’m used to Dolly Parton, and here’s Kim Cattral. 30 mile drives and the amount of time they take are nothing new to me. But this drive seemed to take HOURS. Just mile after mile of farms. And you can see what’s coming for at LEAST a mile or two. What gets me most is that there ISN’T much traffic at ALL! Oh, and the main road (US 169) is CONCRETE. Why New York stopped making roads like this still is a wonder to me. They last DECADES with minimal maintenance, and this road did NOT suffer the “thud-up” effect of regularly-spaced expansion joints. Not sure how they did that…
Two funny observations: 1) It seems that all the “side roads” in Minnesota are unimaginatively named with numbers. I haven’t bothered to figure out if there’s any organization to it. But it’s funny to see “284th Avenue” coming up and then to look to the left and see nothing but a dirt road. 2) While on a detour of 169 between Winnebago and Blue Earth I came upon a yellow highway sign indicating a potential hazard. You know the kind: Straight, right turn, then immediate left turn, then straight again. So I look ahead, but everything’s flat and depth perception can be deceiving. I’m looking for more signs–anything to tell me when to slow down. Because I’m going to have to slow down, right? I’ve seen those signs before, and if you do 60 through anything marked with that sign you will NOT make it to the second curve. You WILL make it to the hospital or the morgue! Then I see it. The hazardous road. Apparently “hazardous” is relative, as the road in front of me lazily arced to the right through a full 90 degrees and then just as lazily swung back to the left another 90 degrees. I barely had to turn the wheel and could comfortably have taken both curves at 80 MPH without even worrying. I guess when you’re used to only having to turn your steering wheel once every 5 miles or so, something that radical can be a big deal; hence the signage.
There doesn’t seem to be a whole heck of a lot to do around here, unfortunately. I am VERY MUCH looking forward to the meet-and-greet and LAN party tonight!
I’m in Mankato, MN for the annual LABMAN conference. Puddle-jumper from Plattsburgh to Boston, then a 6-wide from Boston to Minneapolis, and a 75 mile drive to Mankato. (Google-map it yourself if you’re that curious.)
Now, all airports look the same. Hudson News. Dunkin’ Donuts. McDonalds. *yawn* I can forgive them because, well, airports aren’t really "anywhere", are they? I like to think of them as being in another dimension. You’re not really in the Real World until you leave the airport.
But the Real World can really suck. Cities are always interesting. And individual, despite there being a Starbucks on every corner. The layout, the architecture…hell, even the TRAFFIC patterns are all interesting in their own right. But as I left Minneapolis, greatly resisting the urge to veer into the Mall Of America parking lot lest I stay there the WHOLE WEEK, things began to feel eerily…"familiar."
As I turned onto 169 heading south for Mankato, I could just have well have been on route 11 west/south of Canton. Barely rolling hills, full of green and farmland. I’m not what you call "well-traveled" and was looking forward to seeing "new stuff". Sure, there were local farm stands. And I went through one or two towns. And I’m sure that three blocks over off the main drag they have their own personalities. But WHY is the default, generic America–what everyone on the main drag sees–so STERILE and UNORIGINAL?! I kid you not, I’ve traveled what, 1000 miles? And there they are as if I’d never left them: Burger King. McDonald’s. Arby’s. Perkins. Dairy Queen.
EVERYWHERE. I’ve seen at least 3 of each of those so far.
Fortunately I like to explore. I posted on a web form for advice and one person suggested Pagliai’s Pizza on Front Street. I quickly found it and THAT’S what I’m talking about! Local fare in a local "joint" run by local people. McDonald’s and it’s ilk ought to be relegated to the malls or lumped into some Food Court off the beaten path. You should have to hunt for them.
I had no intention of seeing this movie myself, never having seen the cartoon on which it’s based. I’ve never been a fan of "Japanimation"/anime myself, with "Voltron" being a possible exception. But Kyle wanted to see it, so we went this past Saturday.
Wow.
I know critics have panned the plot. But I’m a sucker for the oh-so-naive underdog protagonist who is told he can’t possibly win/beat the odds against the (often corrupt) System, yet does so anyway. (Yes, I liked "Roadhouse" too.) So I liked the story.
From an Adult perspective, the opening sequence can lose you quickly if you’re not ready for it. It’s a not-so-obvious flashback detailing the fate of Speed’s older brother, Rex. You’ll get lost if you’re not paying attention. From a Kid perspective, there’s so much color and action you won’t get bored.
And the EFFECTS. WOW. This movie is worth the price of admission just to see what they’re doing now. If it wasn’t true before, it is now: You can NOT tell where the live actors end and the green screen/digital effects begin. It truly is amazing. The COLOR in this flick is SO over-the-top that the Real World seems genuinely pale in comparison for awhile when you leave the theater. But in a good way. (At least, in a way *I* like.)
I also have to comment on the orchestration. Usually I prefer a soundtrack that does it’s job so well that you don’t even notice. But in this flick, I found my own heart pounding near the end of the final race and I realized that this was largely due to the music that was–pun intended–DRIVING. In fact, I’m thinking of seeing it again just to pay attention to that particular race and the music to better appreciate this effect.
As I said, I have never seen the original cartoon. I have no idea if this adaptation is true to it, or trashes it. All I know is that I was surprised to find that I LIKED it. It’s not thought-provoking. It may be schmaltzy. But it’s also FUN!
I am generally thankful that my job doesn’t involve attending very many meetings. I get very easily frustrated, however, at people who are unable to finish their business in the time for which they have scheduled their meeting. I don’t have to be in that meeting to be affected by this sort of behaviour, either. If Meeting Room A is reserved from 9:00 A.M. to 10:00 A.M. and I have a meeting in Meeting Room A at 10:00 and the 9:00 A.M. meeting "runs long," then I am affected. People who have miscalculated and underestimated the time it will take to conclude the business before them need to either re-locate their meeting or schedule a follow-up.
It’s a matter of respect. I lecture my children on how to behave in this scenario and how to guard against being disrespected. Let’s say Brady is involved in the school’s Mock Trial team and practice is on Saturday afternoon from 2:00 P.M. to 5:00 P.M. Brady has asked me to pick him up after practice and has told me it ends at 5:00. If his coach decides practice needs to go over, Brady is instructed–by me–to leave ON TIME with a comment similar to the following: "You scheduled this practice to end at 5:00. I have made plans involving other people based on this information. They are expecting me now and I need to respect their time, as you should be respecting mine." If Coach has a problem with that, then he and I will be having a conversation.
Manage your time better. Have an agenda for your meetings and do NOT allow participants to stray off-topic. And most importantly: END YOUR MEETINGS ON TIME!!!
